WARNING, MORE BITCHING AND EMOTIONAL BABBLING FROM THIS POINT TILL THE DOTTED LINES BELOW. Please skip this if you're sick of my stupid rants about loneliness. Friends that do still want to read this... promise that you'll always be here for me... please... you guys are the only people in this world keeping me from falling completely apart. I'm so sorry for another emo spam journal... but... but... ugh, I think I'm gonna cry again. I'll probably get rid of this entry eventually but... I... I just feel so alone in the world. At this rate I fear I'll never see any of you in person... so many things in my life keep going wrong that I am losing hope that even the plans I've made to see a few of you are nothing but mere fantasies... I just want to run away from home, and never return. Kate... Emily... I just... I have trouble believing that I'll ever get to see you. Things just keep going so wrong for me that I... I just know something's going to come up to prevent our plans from coming together. It always happens. It's... never worked out for me before. Why should it start now?

Again, I apologize for putting up yet another one of these pointless journals. I really need to learn to stop doing this, but... I've had a really rough past few months. Emotional roller-coaster ride to the extreme. And I no longer trust my family to help me with these issues. You guys here seem to be the only people that know how to cheer me up. Even my counselor doesn't make me feel better. My birthday was wonderful, thanks to all of you awesome people here and on Facebook, but sadly things went downhill shortly thereafter. I can't and won't go into detail, but yeah, 2009 has been total shit for the most part for me.

No sympathy please... I just need to make sure that I'm not going to be one day forgotten about and left alone again. I love all of you so much, so very much, and my number one fear... the fear that keeps me awake at night, brings me to tears rather frequently, and haunts my mind in the day, is that my friends here... the only true friends I have in the world, and among the most important people in my life... will eventually forget about me. Admit it, if I were to leave dA, you all would forget I exist in a matter of months. I would like to think otherwise, but honestly, what kind of a legacy have I left? I'm not even an artist, and don't comment much anymore. Face it, I'm just another face in the dA crowd. Sure, I'm one of the few males here, but totally not the only one.

Another fear of mine is that I will never find love. Yes, I have recently finally begun to accept that it may be awhile before I find that special person, but I have failed every relationship I've tried to be in before it even started. Indeed, the only people that have ever admitted having feelings for me, it has been impossible for me to ever see them in person, and therefore we had to break apart. And that hurts me SO badly. In fact, I am starting to feel decidedly unlovable. This evening I cried my eyes out for 40 minutes straight because of this whole issue. But I have to face the truth - I am not ready for a relationship. As badly as my heart longs for companionship - that special someone - I can't yet drive, cook, pay bills, or do anything basic like that. At 19, I damn well should, but I don't know how yet. :/ I feel like such a failure. It doesn't help that I have some of the most prudish, restrictive parents in the world (Yes, I can get grounded for saying as little as 'hell' or even *touching* a female, even a girlfriend, in 'an immoral way'. To this all, I say: FUCK THAT SHIT! THE INTERNET GIVES ME FREE SPEECH! AND SEXXORZ. xD Well maybe not the second part LOL _{And yes. I do swear like a sailor when the parents aren't around. xD}) . Not that there's anything wrong with being a completely single, 19-year-old-live-at-home virgin, but whatever. I hate not having any true friends off the Internet.

I know it's weird, and I shouldn't even go there, but I am for the most part repulsed by females I see off the Internet. I have no romantic feelings for them. The only females I have ever felt attracted to have been on here, yes here, on dA. Fact is, I hate Alabama so much right now that I wanna leave as soon as I can, to destination unknown. Furthermore, 'setting down' with a local person would hinder these plans. So the only persons I can ever see myself with are those I know from the Internet, and more than likely, deviantART. I am very deeply convinced about this, and no amount of persuading by folks wanting me to find someone locally is going to change my mind. Period. Maybe that disturbs some of you, but sadly, I am quite the hopeless romantic, and I develop crushes far too easily. Yes, maybe I am lame for developing deep emotional feelings towards people I have never even met (and half way around the world) , but that's the way I am, and quite frankly am not interested in changing that. I can only see myself with someone who loves horses, has a great sense of humour, is at least remotely Christian (yes, I am fairly religious, hate me if you want) , and likes to cuddle. Yesh. I'm too sensitive and caring for my own good unfortunately, and will probably wind up begging people to put their problems on me so I can help them. xD

Interesting to note, in the time it took for me to write this journal, I am feeling a bit better. These emotional scars will take some time to heal, yes, but with the most awesome people in the world to help me - that means you guys - I think I can make it through. Seriously, I can't say it enough - you people on dA, and any other site which I tend to lurk on, mean so damn much to me. And none of you will ever know just how much I love and care about each and every one of you. You are such a blessing, and have seriously changed my entire life. You are the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and the most awesome people in the world.

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LESS EMO STUFF NOW.

Okay... this journal actually has a meaning. Specifically, to thank you all for your birthday wishes and gifts. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I will get around to commenting on your well-wishes and gifts and such as soon as I'm feeling up to it.

Second, I finally took the COMPASS test and officially signed up for college. To my surprise, I did very well. I got near perfect scores in writing and reading, and pretty good on mathematics, except for college-level algebra. I should start classes in the spring.

And finally, I'd better mention this now while I am thinking about it: I need to know who all wants me to send you a Christmas card + letter this year so I can get started working on 'em. I'll need your address but I promise to try hard to send a nice card and a short letter/note before Christmas arrives. I am looking forward to at least trying to brighten a few dA peoples' lives over the holiday season, though I don't know who or how yet.

Oh, and also, if you're in the US and have unlimited texting on your phone, you can Note me for my phone number, as I tend to get bored sometimes and like texting every once in a while. Though I'm not near my phone all day lol. You can also ask for my MSN address, as I am on it now more so than ever... though I usually appear offline and am mostly on it late at night. Note that this applies only to those that I know... I don't like adding total strangers on MSN or mah phone >.>

Long journal is long. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through the difficult stage of passing from teenager to adult. I want to be able to handle a relationship and my life still yet to come, and in order to do such, I have to stay strong and press on, as hard as it may be, and begin to take my first steps toward independence. It's gonna be a long road, but one I now realize I must take.

And with this, I am off. I will probably have a more worthwhile journal up soon (yes, I put up too many journals >.> ) and I should have mah first Dev ID and some more art-ish stuff up before too long. Hope to see y'all around.

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MEMORIALS

Rest in peace, Sherece... your legacy will forever live on...

~HeelsDownX ... I never knew you, but nevertheless your loss is a terribly painful one, and I you shall be greatly missed by all. Rest in peace.

~Z1ven It's a shame I never took the time to get acquainted... but now it's too late. You will be missed by all. Rest in peace....

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I shall keep this feature up as a reminder to stop procrastinating so much

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I am on a mission from ~EverRoxas to gain members for an ADD/ADHD writers club. If you're a writer with ADD or ADHD, check out the news article here.

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If you're from Florida or Alabama, check out an awesome club at *flora-bama !

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Until next time!